Your three-week-old has not chosen your mother over you. A baby this young cannot yet hold that kind of preference: a 2011 practitioner review in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry sets out that in the first two months an infant has a limited ability to discriminate among different caregivers, and recognises the mother's smell and sound but expresses no preference. The settling gap you are seeing is about handling — practice, grip, confidence — not about affection.
Not medical advice — talk to your paediatrician, obstetrician or a mental health professional about your own situation.
What a Three-Week-Old Already Knows About You
He knows you far better than the crying suggests.
Your voice was learned before he was born. A 2013 review in Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience notes that soon after birth, infants show a strong preference for their mother's voice over the voice of another woman. That preference was built over the last months of pregnancy. Nobody else's arms can undo it.
Your smell is already a soothing tool. A 2020 review in Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B reports that breast and milk odour can provide comfort, showing up as reduced motor output, delayed onset of crying, and attenuated expressions of stress and pain. Your baby is already responding to something only you have.
What he does not yet have is the machinery to compare two familiar adults and pick one. By the AAP's timeline, tensing up around unfamiliar people is a milestone that arrives well after three months, and clinginess to a chosen person arrives alongside it. So when he screams in your arms and stops in your mother's, he is not making a comparison. He is reacting to how he is being held, in that minute.
So Why Does He Calm Faster for Her?
Three ordinary things, all of which change.
Crying is peaking right now anyway. The NHS notes that the amount babies cry tends to increase when they are around 2 weeks old and then gradually reduces at around 3 months old. Weeks three and four sit at the top of that curve. Whoever is holding him during the worst hour of the day will look like the person who "can't manage".
Soothing is a practised skill, not an instinct. A 2015 study in the Journal of Pediatric Health Care found that successful soothing reinforces parents to continue using the specific techniques that calm the infant, and that this process boosts parents' confidence and creates a growing sense of trust. Your mother has already run that loop — with you, possibly with your siblings, and for the last three weeks with him. You have not, yet.
Confidence itself is built over months. A 2022 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health reports that several authors registered an increase in maternal self-confidence during the months postpartum, and that mothers with previous children scored higher on maternal self-efficacy than first-time mothers. Experience is the variable. Not love.
| What it looks like | What it usually is |
|---|---|
| "He prefers his nani" | He has no capacity for that preference yet |
| "He relaxes the second she takes him" | A confident, unhesitating hold and a practised rhythm |
| "He only screams for me" | You are holding him through the highest-crying weeks, tensely and in pain |
| "I've missed the window" | The relationship is built by repetition over months |
Your Caesarean Is Doing More of This Than You Think
You are not comparing like with like. The NHS says that most women experience some discomfort for the first few days after a caesarean, and that for some women the pain can last several weeks. A woman bracing her abdomen holds a baby differently — higher, stiffer, further from her body, and she flinches when he arches. Babies read that. Your mother is holding him with no wound to protect.
This shows up in the research too, which is worth knowing so you stop reading it as a character flaw. A 2025 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that unplanned cesarean delivery was associated with lower bonding scores in the first year — an average across a population, not a verdict on you, and not fixed.
Taking the Daytime Holding Back, One Repetition at a Time
There is no dramatic handover to stage here. What you need is volume — the repetitions you have missed while your body healed.
Take him before he is crying, not during. Ask your mother to hand him over while he is calm and alert, and to take him back when you are genuinely done, without either of you calling it a failure. Starting mid-scream teaches you nothing.
Use the tools that are actually yours. Undress him to his nappy and put him on your bare chest under a dupatta or a light blanket. A Cochrane review of early skin-to-skin contact reports that infants placed in a cot cry ten times more than infants held skin-to-skin. That is your voice and your smell working together, and it is a hold that needs no abdominal strength — do it lying propped up in bed if sitting still hurts.
Count the small stuff as the bond, because it is. NHS Best Start in Life guidance says that each time you talk to your baby, sing to them, look into their eyes, and respond to sadness with warmth, love and reassurance, you are meeting their needs. Nappy changes at 3am count. Talking to him while your mother burps him counts.
Let him teach you that you answer. AAP guidance for babies from birth to three months says that by responding quickly and enthusiastically to your baby, you let them know that they are important to you, that they can trust you, and that they have a certain amount of control in their life. That is the whole mechanism. It runs on ordinary days, not on a deadline.
One India-specific note: during jaappa, the household often organises itself around the elder woman doing the holding while the mother "rests". That arrangement is genuinely protective of your recovery — and it also quietly hands her all the practice. You can keep the rest and still ask for the daytime holding back, in stretches your body can take. Say it as logistics, not as a grievance: "Give him to me for the 11-to-1 stretch, I'll call you when I need to lie down."
When It Is Not a Bonding Problem
Sometimes the feeling is heavier than the situation, and it deserves treatment rather than reassurance. The NHS lists among the symptoms of postnatal depression difficult feelings about, or difficulty bonding with, your baby — alongside feeling guilty or worthless, and feeling hopeless or unable to cope. Symptoms can begin at any point in the first year, and it usually gets better with treatment.
This is common enough that you should not feel singular about it. A systematic review and meta-analysis in the Bulletin of the World Health Organization found that the overall pooled prevalence of postpartum depression in India was 22%, across 38 studies and 20,043 women — roughly one mother in five.
Tell your obstetrician or your paediatrician at the next visit; they can screen you and refer you. India's Directorate General of Health Services (MoHFW) states that the public can access the Tele MANAS helpline by dialling toll-free 1800-89-14416 or the short code 14416 — free, and available round the clock.
FAQ
Do newborns recognise their mother? Yes, in the ways available to them. Newborns show a strong preference for their mother's voice over another woman's voice soon after birth, and maternal breast and milk odour measurably reduces their crying and distress. Recognition is not the same as choosing between two familiar adults, which comes later.
My baby stops crying instantly for my mother-in-law. Is she doing something I'm not? Probably — and it is copyable. It is usually a firmer hold, a steadier rhythm, and no hesitation. Watch her hands rather than her results, then borrow the technique.
Has the bond been damaged because she did all the holding in hospital? No. The relationship is built through repeated everyday responses over months, not through the first fortnight. The NHS describes it as accumulating every time you talk to your baby, look into their eyes and respond with warmth — which is a process you can start any day.
When will he actually start preferring me? There is no date to promise. The AAP places wariness of unfamiliar people and clinginess to a chosen person late in the first year, and by then the person a baby seeks is the person who has been reliably responding — which, from here on, is you.
Should I stop my mother from holding him so much? No. A second loving adult is good for your baby, and you need the recovery. Take back specific stretches instead of the whole arrangement.
Where does my husband fit into this? The same place you do. He is also building his handling reps from a low base, and the fastest way for both of you to close the gap is to split the daytime holding between the two of you rather than defaulting to whoever is most practised.
